I need to pen this down, I think. It’s the only way that I’m going to get through this, let it go, or whatever. Hash it all out, because right now it’s inside me and it’s eating me. I used to be able to talk it out with my friends, but now I’m so far removed that talking to them… feels too distant.
A lot of them are getting married, this year, the year before, the year after. A lot of them are growing up, moving on. This is not a pity party about how I’m not moving on with my life - because I am, in some way. I want to, I have a vision, at least. This is about how, because I chose to be with him, I am missing out on my family and friends lives.
My cousin had a baby. I haven’t met him yet. He’ll never know of me like how he’ll know my other cousins. I’ll be the aunt he sees once every couple of years, maybe.
I want to be there, share in their moments and memories, create new ones and laugh and sing and cry together. But I can’t, because I am here.
I’ve left their lives to be in his - but at the same time, he choses to run from me. He’s not willing to let me in, not willing to be with me wholeheartedly.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve lost focus and the point of being alive.